Just a Little Update

Alysha,
I have no idea if you have been reading these or not, but in some weird way these journals are my letters to you about what's been going on over here. The last time I wrote a blog I was talking about how I was alone, and how I told a guy that I wasn't ready for a relationship. Well, more has happened since then (a lot more). I'm not so sure why I did, but I screwed up a friendship. How do I explain this all in a condense summary?
Basically, the guy that I turned down was still my friend afterward. We still continued to talk and all that. After talking for a while we came to an agreenment that we wouldn't date until I was out of highschool and he was willing to wait. There were major complications with my parents because they didn't approve and I was mad at them for not respecting my decision. It was a big mess. Eventually, they realized that they were overreacting and said that they will respect my decision. So, after all that was figured out. I went back to school. I saw him and we hung out a little bit. Not too much longer, I realized that he was a completely different online then he was in person. I also began to realized other traits about him that I didn't like.
I called it off. I told him that a relationship between us wouldn't work because of out differences. He said that he respected my opinion and left it at that. Well, I was mad. I was mad at him that he showed no emotion, of his arrogance, and many other things. I blogged about it in my livejournal. I was just venting and needed to get my thoughts out. I believe it was the next day when we talked again about why he acted the way he did, and he told me that he still liked me but he was willing just to be friends. So, that was sorted out.
But then on myspace I wanted people to read my writing so I referenced my friends through a blog on myspace about my livejournal, and I completely forgot about the journal I vented about him. When he read it he confronted me about it, and asked if that was the way I felt about him. I explained that some of the stuff was just a misunderstanding, but some of it was still true. He didn't talk to me after that.
Immediately I felt really bad for ever writing the journal. It was stupid of me for even posting it publicly where other people coud read it. This was just a big mistake that I made, and I felt horrible. When I saw him at school he didn't even look at me. He completely ignored me. The next day I wrote an apology letter to him through email. He responded saying that the ship has sailed. He has moved on. I have no idea if he has forgiven me or not. He hasn't talked to me at all. This has just been so complicated and frustrating that I'm glad it's over.
Even though, this thing has been a crazy mess that didn't have a happy ending, it did make me think and realize things about my life. For one: his friendship was so important to me, and I felt so bad about losing it, that I didn't realize the friends that I already had who had been with me through the whole thing. Also, my family supported me through it too. Another thing was that I realized that even though he isn't the one for me, he made think about what I really want in a guy. I also have to know about myself is that this is life. I will mess up and make mistakes. I will screw up friendships and I will hate myself for it, but I can't let it hold me back. I need to forgive myself. I can't punish myself for the years to come. It's not healthy, and even though this will scar my heart just like the other relationships and friendships, I have to move on. As hard as that may be, I must.

Anyway, that's a little update about myself. Like I said at the beginning of all of this, I have no idea if you read these blogs or not. I hope to see you soon. I miss you dreadfully.

~Jennifer