Hope. A word we use often. I hope I'll be able to go to the Portland freeze tomorrow. I hope I can get a job soon. I hope it snows during Christmas break. I hope I pass my math class. The list goes on and on. What about God? What do we hope from him? It's when we pray. We pray a request hoping He'll answer. We hope when we read the Bible. We hope that we will learn something from Him. We hope to understand Him better.

Hope. Hope. Hope.

You know what we can do with hope? Survive, go insane, be happy, blissfully ignorant, love, and so much more. I believe we survive on hope. If we lose it; we die. We have it; we continue to live on. But can someone lose hope, and then gain it back and still be alive? I believe the answer is yes. Just because we lose hope doesn't mean we die immediately. It takes a while, slowly eating away at your spirit, and then it kills you. But if you can gain your hope back before it takes your life there is room for redemption.

1 Timothy 6:17-19 – "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant not to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

1 Peter 1:13-16 – "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil that desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: Be holy, because I am holy."

Colossians 1:3-8 – "We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as if has been doing among you since the day you heard it an understood God's grace in all its truth. You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, and who also told us of your love in the Spirit."

"Fear can hold you prisoner, but hope can set you free." -The Shawshank Redemption

"I hope Andy is down there. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope" -The Shawshank Redemption

All Alone

Apparently, I can't seem to make up my mind. Just the other night I had to talk to the one guy who was interested in dating me, and I ,being the one to bring his hopes up, had to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship. So, I did. I think he might have taken it better than I did. I felt like I was going through a break up, and we weren't even going out. We talked about whether we would still be friends or not, and I honestly don't know. I know he probably still likes me, but he is able to move on. I can understand that, and that just might help me to move on too. I hate hurting people, and then seeing them a total mess and can move forward. He can, so that's good. But now, me being the idiot, again, wants his attention. For two weeks we talked and we got to know each other really well. He gave me compliments, and I got a lot of attention from him. Now, it's been a whole night, and it's driving me crazy. I liked the attention I got, I knew it was wrong to lead him on, I tell him I'm not ready, and now we have barely said anything to each other. Agh! I'm so stupid.
So, now I'm back to my normal self. Being a lone writer who only thinks about her stories. Going off into my own little world where it's not so lonely. Where I can control what happens, and where I can go away from reality. When I was around him, I came out of my world. Rarely, did I think about it. I was thinking of him, and when I will talk to him. Man, having feelings for someone and just wanting attention can be so similar. I think that's why most couples break up in high school. Because one just likes the attention, and eventually starts liking someone else or wants someone else's attention. We, as people, are very shallow. Life goes on, and I'm stuck. I can't get out of the past. I miss they way things used to be.
I thought that maybe this Christmas or this coming year, things would be different. That I would have someone to share my life with. Someone who would understand me and love me. As well as I love him back. I thought and hoped for it. I guess I'm proven wrong again. Sometimes, I wish I could convince myself that I did like him, but then I am reminded of they way I felt when I thought about him. I didn't get butterflies or all of the sudden be in a good mood. No. I felt sick. Like I longed for the attention from a guy. The feeling of being pretty, just because he said so. Obviously, I'm not ready for a relationship.
I wonder how a relationship would go if two people just wanted attention from the other, so they dated just for the attention, not because they liked the other. I wonder what would happen if they decided not to date anymore? Would they be hurt? Or the same shallow people?
I hate it, but for now I'm better off alone.

My Choice, My Decision

Two years ago I was in a really bad relationship. At the time I didn't care. I had a boyfriend that gave me attention. That's all that really matter to me back then. After a week of dating we broke up, that's when I learned the truth about him, and he wasn't a good person. I was disappointed in him as much as I was disappointed in myself. For a whole year I punished myself for being such a horrible person and a horrible daughter. I guess it's safe to say that I loathed myself. It took me so long to recover and forgive myself.

About a year of being single, I began to think. I longed to be in a relationship, but I was obviously not ready for one. So I decided that I would be ready after high school. I needed to focus more on my work more than boys anyway. After I made that decision, I stuck to it. I was single for two whole years. I may have been proud of myself, but I still regretted the choices I made. I was like this for a whole year.

A couple of months ago I went to coffee with my sister-in-law, Whitney, and we talked about anything there was to talk about. I told her about my problems with relationships and boys. I told her how much I regretted the choices I made, and how was I suppose to explain my mistakes to my husband when I get married? She told me not to dwell on how much I messed up, but take it as a lesson learned. To move on, and not do the same mistake again. She really understood where I was coming from, and she really cared for me. When she first told me that I didn't exactly believe it, but after a while I began to understand it and slowly I have been able to forgive myself.

That was the past, right now is the present, and that is where my real problem lies. About two weeks ago, I started talking to this guy Peter. He is really nice, and come to find out really likes me. Over time we have really gotten to know each other. Then the topic of dating came up. At first, I liked the idea. I haven't dated anyone for over two years now, and this time I had the chance to do things right. I told him my family's rules about dating and he respected them. Everything was going smoothly, and I had planned to talk to my dad about him. Well, lately I have been thinking about it. I'm beginning to think that all I really wanted was the attention he was giving me, and I really don't like him. I want to deny it, and say it's not true. But the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think it's true.

Now, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship, and we shouldn't pursue one. This may seem easy, but it's not. We both told each other that we wouldn't do anything to hurt the other, and now I feel like a complete jerk. He really really like me, and cares about me a lot, but I don't think I'm the same way back to him. The snake has returned for more attention. She is seeking out anybody who could possibly give it to her. Yep, that's me. All I have to do is go in for the kill. I really should stay away from boys.

I imagine Alysha that you are reading this. I wish I could move down to the Cayman Island where you are. Life right now, sucks for me.