All Alone

Apparently, I can't seem to make up my mind. Just the other night I had to talk to the one guy who was interested in dating me, and I ,being the one to bring his hopes up, had to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship. So, I did. I think he might have taken it better than I did. I felt like I was going through a break up, and we weren't even going out. We talked about whether we would still be friends or not, and I honestly don't know. I know he probably still likes me, but he is able to move on. I can understand that, and that just might help me to move on too. I hate hurting people, and then seeing them a total mess and can move forward. He can, so that's good. But now, me being the idiot, again, wants his attention. For two weeks we talked and we got to know each other really well. He gave me compliments, and I got a lot of attention from him. Now, it's been a whole night, and it's driving me crazy. I liked the attention I got, I knew it was wrong to lead him on, I tell him I'm not ready, and now we have barely said anything to each other. Agh! I'm so stupid.
So, now I'm back to my normal self. Being a lone writer who only thinks about her stories. Going off into my own little world where it's not so lonely. Where I can control what happens, and where I can go away from reality. When I was around him, I came out of my world. Rarely, did I think about it. I was thinking of him, and when I will talk to him. Man, having feelings for someone and just wanting attention can be so similar. I think that's why most couples break up in high school. Because one just likes the attention, and eventually starts liking someone else or wants someone else's attention. We, as people, are very shallow. Life goes on, and I'm stuck. I can't get out of the past. I miss they way things used to be.
I thought that maybe this Christmas or this coming year, things would be different. That I would have someone to share my life with. Someone who would understand me and love me. As well as I love him back. I thought and hoped for it. I guess I'm proven wrong again. Sometimes, I wish I could convince myself that I did like him, but then I am reminded of they way I felt when I thought about him. I didn't get butterflies or all of the sudden be in a good mood. No. I felt sick. Like I longed for the attention from a guy. The feeling of being pretty, just because he said so. Obviously, I'm not ready for a relationship.
I wonder how a relationship would go if two people just wanted attention from the other, so they dated just for the attention, not because they liked the other. I wonder what would happen if they decided not to date anymore? Would they be hurt? Or the same shallow people?
I hate it, but for now I'm better off alone.