My Choice, My Decision

Two years ago I was in a really bad relationship. At the time I didn't care. I had a boyfriend that gave me attention. That's all that really matter to me back then. After a week of dating we broke up, that's when I learned the truth about him, and he wasn't a good person. I was disappointed in him as much as I was disappointed in myself. For a whole year I punished myself for being such a horrible person and a horrible daughter. I guess it's safe to say that I loathed myself. It took me so long to recover and forgive myself.

About a year of being single, I began to think. I longed to be in a relationship, but I was obviously not ready for one. So I decided that I would be ready after high school. I needed to focus more on my work more than boys anyway. After I made that decision, I stuck to it. I was single for two whole years. I may have been proud of myself, but I still regretted the choices I made. I was like this for a whole year.

A couple of months ago I went to coffee with my sister-in-law, Whitney, and we talked about anything there was to talk about. I told her about my problems with relationships and boys. I told her how much I regretted the choices I made, and how was I suppose to explain my mistakes to my husband when I get married? She told me not to dwell on how much I messed up, but take it as a lesson learned. To move on, and not do the same mistake again. She really understood where I was coming from, and she really cared for me. When she first told me that I didn't exactly believe it, but after a while I began to understand it and slowly I have been able to forgive myself.

That was the past, right now is the present, and that is where my real problem lies. About two weeks ago, I started talking to this guy Peter. He is really nice, and come to find out really likes me. Over time we have really gotten to know each other. Then the topic of dating came up. At first, I liked the idea. I haven't dated anyone for over two years now, and this time I had the chance to do things right. I told him my family's rules about dating and he respected them. Everything was going smoothly, and I had planned to talk to my dad about him. Well, lately I have been thinking about it. I'm beginning to think that all I really wanted was the attention he was giving me, and I really don't like him. I want to deny it, and say it's not true. But the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think it's true.

Now, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship, and we shouldn't pursue one. This may seem easy, but it's not. We both told each other that we wouldn't do anything to hurt the other, and now I feel like a complete jerk. He really really like me, and cares about me a lot, but I don't think I'm the same way back to him. The snake has returned for more attention. She is seeking out anybody who could possibly give it to her. Yep, that's me. All I have to do is go in for the kill. I really should stay away from boys.

I imagine Alysha that you are reading this. I wish I could move down to the Cayman Island where you are. Life right now, sucks for me.