Hope. A word we use often. I hope I'll be able to go to the Portland freeze tomorrow. I hope I can get a job soon. I hope it snows during Christmas break. I hope I pass my math class. The list goes on and on. What about God? What do we hope from him? It's when we pray. We pray a request hoping He'll answer. We hope when we read the Bible. We hope that we will learn something from Him. We hope to understand Him better.

Hope. Hope. Hope.

You know what we can do with hope? Survive, go insane, be happy, blissfully ignorant, love, and so much more. I believe we survive on hope. If we lose it; we die. We have it; we continue to live on. But can someone lose hope, and then gain it back and still be alive? I believe the answer is yes. Just because we lose hope doesn't mean we die immediately. It takes a while, slowly eating away at your spirit, and then it kills you. But if you can gain your hope back before it takes your life there is room for redemption.

1 Timothy 6:17-19 – "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant not to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

1 Peter 1:13-16 – "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil that desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: Be holy, because I am holy."

Colossians 1:3-8 – "We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as if has been doing among you since the day you heard it an understood God's grace in all its truth. You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, and who also told us of your love in the Spirit."

"Fear can hold you prisoner, but hope can set you free." -The Shawshank Redemption

"I hope Andy is down there. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope" -The Shawshank Redemption

All Alone

Apparently, I can't seem to make up my mind. Just the other night I had to talk to the one guy who was interested in dating me, and I ,being the one to bring his hopes up, had to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship. So, I did. I think he might have taken it better than I did. I felt like I was going through a break up, and we weren't even going out. We talked about whether we would still be friends or not, and I honestly don't know. I know he probably still likes me, but he is able to move on. I can understand that, and that just might help me to move on too. I hate hurting people, and then seeing them a total mess and can move forward. He can, so that's good. But now, me being the idiot, again, wants his attention. For two weeks we talked and we got to know each other really well. He gave me compliments, and I got a lot of attention from him. Now, it's been a whole night, and it's driving me crazy. I liked the attention I got, I knew it was wrong to lead him on, I tell him I'm not ready, and now we have barely said anything to each other. Agh! I'm so stupid.
So, now I'm back to my normal self. Being a lone writer who only thinks about her stories. Going off into my own little world where it's not so lonely. Where I can control what happens, and where I can go away from reality. When I was around him, I came out of my world. Rarely, did I think about it. I was thinking of him, and when I will talk to him. Man, having feelings for someone and just wanting attention can be so similar. I think that's why most couples break up in high school. Because one just likes the attention, and eventually starts liking someone else or wants someone else's attention. We, as people, are very shallow. Life goes on, and I'm stuck. I can't get out of the past. I miss they way things used to be.
I thought that maybe this Christmas or this coming year, things would be different. That I would have someone to share my life with. Someone who would understand me and love me. As well as I love him back. I thought and hoped for it. I guess I'm proven wrong again. Sometimes, I wish I could convince myself that I did like him, but then I am reminded of they way I felt when I thought about him. I didn't get butterflies or all of the sudden be in a good mood. No. I felt sick. Like I longed for the attention from a guy. The feeling of being pretty, just because he said so. Obviously, I'm not ready for a relationship.
I wonder how a relationship would go if two people just wanted attention from the other, so they dated just for the attention, not because they liked the other. I wonder what would happen if they decided not to date anymore? Would they be hurt? Or the same shallow people?
I hate it, but for now I'm better off alone.

My Choice, My Decision

Two years ago I was in a really bad relationship. At the time I didn't care. I had a boyfriend that gave me attention. That's all that really matter to me back then. After a week of dating we broke up, that's when I learned the truth about him, and he wasn't a good person. I was disappointed in him as much as I was disappointed in myself. For a whole year I punished myself for being such a horrible person and a horrible daughter. I guess it's safe to say that I loathed myself. It took me so long to recover and forgive myself.

About a year of being single, I began to think. I longed to be in a relationship, but I was obviously not ready for one. So I decided that I would be ready after high school. I needed to focus more on my work more than boys anyway. After I made that decision, I stuck to it. I was single for two whole years. I may have been proud of myself, but I still regretted the choices I made. I was like this for a whole year.

A couple of months ago I went to coffee with my sister-in-law, Whitney, and we talked about anything there was to talk about. I told her about my problems with relationships and boys. I told her how much I regretted the choices I made, and how was I suppose to explain my mistakes to my husband when I get married? She told me not to dwell on how much I messed up, but take it as a lesson learned. To move on, and not do the same mistake again. She really understood where I was coming from, and she really cared for me. When she first told me that I didn't exactly believe it, but after a while I began to understand it and slowly I have been able to forgive myself.

That was the past, right now is the present, and that is where my real problem lies. About two weeks ago, I started talking to this guy Peter. He is really nice, and come to find out really likes me. Over time we have really gotten to know each other. Then the topic of dating came up. At first, I liked the idea. I haven't dated anyone for over two years now, and this time I had the chance to do things right. I told him my family's rules about dating and he respected them. Everything was going smoothly, and I had planned to talk to my dad about him. Well, lately I have been thinking about it. I'm beginning to think that all I really wanted was the attention he was giving me, and I really don't like him. I want to deny it, and say it's not true. But the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think it's true.

Now, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm not ready for a relationship, and we shouldn't pursue one. This may seem easy, but it's not. We both told each other that we wouldn't do anything to hurt the other, and now I feel like a complete jerk. He really really like me, and cares about me a lot, but I don't think I'm the same way back to him. The snake has returned for more attention. She is seeking out anybody who could possibly give it to her. Yep, that's me. All I have to do is go in for the kill. I really should stay away from boys.

I imagine Alysha that you are reading this. I wish I could move down to the Cayman Island where you are. Life right now, sucks for me.

Here I go again

I swear I am an idiot. I must learn from my mistakes. But no, I just cant do that. I let people in. I tell them who I am, and in the end they get hurt. Why can't I just close up, and not let anybody know who I am? I'm only human. People usually won't learn from their mistakes until they experience them like a hundred times. Then they finally understand. We are so stupid. We are like sheep. Not very intelligent. I think every time we call sheep stupid we are calling ourselves stupid. The only smart thing we can do is listen to the Shepard. He knows what to do, and to tell us where to go. He can't force us, but He can encourage us.
Back to the issue at hand. I feel like beating myself down for being so dumb. I know better than this. Do I trully desire someone's attention so much that I don't care that they will get hurt? I'm so shallow. Why doesn't someone send me away to some place where I can't hurt anyone. I'm like a serpant. So stealthy with my moves, and so silent no one expects they are in danger. I will slowly rap myself around your neck until I have a firm grip, and then I squeeze really hard until I take the life from you, but I won't kill you. No, I won't do that. Instead I will let you lie there in your sorrow wondering why I hurt you so badly. Then I leave and let you suffer for the rest of your life. It's like a drug to me. I have to have it. I must get the attention, and then when I'm done I dispose of you in a pit to rot while I look for my next victim. Why? Because someone did that too me.
I practically gave my heart to them. At least what felt like my heart. I thought there was potential, but little did I know that he was slowly suffocating me. He disposed of me because it was wrong. He knew it, and realized what he was doing. He immediately let go. I still suffered. For four years I suffered. I hated him, and I wanted revenge. But I couldn't. He didn't have the same feelings as before. Things are different. I have forgiven him. I know I'm capable of it, but I don't know about anybody else.
Love is such a fragile thing. It's so great and strong. Someone else may try to break it, but it is impossible. Only the ones who are in love are capable of destroying it, and when they do it leaves a terrible mess. The other still loves, and now has to suffer being alone. Which is easier to endure? Loneliness? or Love?

My First Memory

My first memory of you was when you hit me in the face with a baseball. It wasn't intentional but mom and dad talked to you anyway. That first memory didn't change who I view you today. We were young, and accident prone. My next memories of you were all the great times we had together as brother and sister during our childhood. You always looked out for me, and always cared. I can't imagine where I would be in life without you in it. My favorite memory of you was when we slowed danced together. There was no music, so sang a song you knew instead. I have loved that song ever since then. It reminds me of our relationship, and how much we understood each other. I remember out first fight. It was so silly and so stupid we laugh about it now. That was the only time we argued. I remember those years when it felt like you were stuck in a rut. Life seemed to be passing you by. I didn't understand what you were going through then, but I do understand it now. You were lonely, and possibly felt unloved. I know, because I am going through it right now. Then you met her. You didn't know it at the time, but she was your future wife. I remember when you asked me about her. If I like her or if she was a good person. I already loved her to death. She was like an older sister to me. When you started dating, it was difficult. Life was stressful, and you guys were struggling. I was afraid you would break up, but then you asked her to marry you. I was so excited. You were getting married. I remember the day of your guy's wedding. You looked so happy that day. All that planning before, and all the stress seemed to dissipate from your face. Now when I see you, you look so happy.